I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
