Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
