The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
