before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
In America we eat man semen.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
