Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
