I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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