Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
