well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
