I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
