Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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