I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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