She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
