I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
time to smoke my breakfast
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
