How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
