dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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