C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
