New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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