Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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