My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
