i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
