My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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