Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
