I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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