You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
