dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
