So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
