I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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