Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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