Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
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