last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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