I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
