I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
