Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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