If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
