just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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