spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
