Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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