proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
