and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
