i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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