i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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