you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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