if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
