One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
