I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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