This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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