can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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