walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
3 2 1 whiskey
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize