Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
