Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
