And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
