so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
