I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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