fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
